"This year, though... I turn 30."It's quite a thang, you see. Growing up, they call it "hitting the Big 3-0", THE milestone that weighs a ton. And since I have arrived at the much raved about chapter in life, I'll write about what I wish I knew two decades ago.
Here I am, two decades ago. Well, 21 years ago to be exact but for novelty sake, let's take this to be a letter...
...to 10-year-old Shane,
You feel the pain of accidentally biting real hard in your inner cheek, it's bleeding yet you're smiling coyly to the film camera as it snaps. You don't realise it's a start to growing up, self consciousness and showing the world what they want to see instead of what you feel. To be socially acceptable, to not wear your heart on your sleeves but you will grow up to do everything they tell you not to be. Most days you've awkward after thoughts to yourself why you do/ say what you did, some days you let the world have the best of your intentions because some people deserve a lil kindness.
Playing tourist in Malacca with your cousins will be memories to treasure because when you're 30, everyone is everywhere. The world may be small but time draws a gap of distance when life gets in the way. At your age, you take time to warm up to cousins you meet once in awhile but really, you should jump right into playing because the innocence and ignorance to time is a privilege you leave behind.
A t-shirt and shorts kinda gal, through and through, that favourite Power Rangers tee and red shorts of which you'll outgrow or wear out are facts you'll never remember. But the smell of which lingers on because it's a hint of familiarity, of photographic memories of what when how who where at a point in time. At 30, it'll still be your staple fashun because keeping up with trends are too much of a chore. Skirts and dresses? They're isolated only for work and rare date nights.
Kuning langsat, your skin tone they call it. "Tall for your age", they'll exclaim. Deep down, you feel like an elephant. You see an oversized body in the mirror every morning. Two decades later, you're of average height for your age, you've gotten so fair you wished you were at the beach all day but body shaming yourself has never changed. At 30, you understand the importance of exercising and you find joy in clocking in laps at the pool. You joke about that very day Daddy fed you tough love by going hands off in the adult pool which left you screaming frantically everyone else left the pool. You learned to float, embrace the occasional chlorine water intake yet still fearful of your feet not being able to feel the bottom of the pool.
Everyone learns differently. At 10 years old, you've watched enough live cooking demonstrations by 二姑 and 姐姐。You learn best by observing, etching the smell, texture and taste you need to recreate. Cooking at home for the family required a stool to keep the stove at a good eye level. Mom gets naggy with the mess you make and at 30, you learn that a good cook keeps her work station clean. Because of the joy found in kitchen adventures, you will meet a fine young man who will build you a safe haven to exercise your non-existent creativity while providing you a roof above your head. Which leads me to my next point...
Love, a theory hearsay philosophy that will bruise you for at least a decade until your knight in black horse will ride with you into a beautiful sunset. Sounds all too good to be true? It is though, but first, in the next 11 years, there will be chapters that you have to fall in and out of to realise the goofy of a blogger whose blog you read to destress during uni life is the one who'll write his life story with you. You will date for awhile before he pops the "marry me" question at the top of Europe when you least expect it and you will both take it a tad too chill with your wedding and building a family. At 30, I know... you would've wanted to have 2 kids already just like how Mammi did. The only disappointing bit of this post though, is that, at 30, still no signs of a double line.
And, that's okay (I guess?).
Let's not deviate, shall we? At 10, you want to feel special on the fourth of May. You wish allllll your friends remember your special day and that's why you fill your physical calendar with tonnes of stars on some dates of their birth dates. There will be some you remember by heart even when you're 30. There are also some points in your life where you'll "test" who truly remembers today. You also pray really hard in days leading up that Daddy Mammi would suggest for us to have Japanese for dinner / lunch! A celebrative treat! Yet at 30, you prefer for this day to be remembered for the labour Mammi went through to bring you into this world. You also start wondering, why the hype about you when you literally just slide into this world and cried the whole ward down when making that effortless grand entrance? Haha!
On this day in year 2020, I wish you knew what was coming for humanity - a virus outbreak of the century. Not for you to be wary, rather, to let loose and let God work in your life. For all the joy, pain, love, dilemma, comfort and fear; embracing each of it as it unfolds. It will also be a day of turning a year older in isolation (sounds dreary but actually not) with people you love and being able to bless the ones you love in return through His providance.
There is so much more I wish I could tell you when you were 10. I guess some things are better left unsaid, to catch you offguard because where is the fun in knowing everything right???
Well... to my future self: You still have 10 years until you turn 40! Phew! #captainobviousnoless
Here are photos of when I was 20 vs 30. If this blog still exists by then, let's see how 10 more years would make a difference :D
With everything said, here's wishing myself a Happy Birthday.
Thank You, God for everything that I have and the undeserving grace of which You've showered me with generously throughout the different phases. And my friends, for journeying on with me in life, that, I am very very very grateful.
Stay safe and healthy! Xoxo